July 13, 2008

Physical V.S. Check-Up ¹⁰

by Tim Lee • Health, UoG

And so it was, that time of the year again. A time where awkward and funny questions like “Do you do meth?” are asked (And for the record, the answer is no), a time where we all just strip down into our boxers while trying to make casual conversation with the other person, a time for the weird and awkward rituals where my crown-jewels are cupped by a pair of hands while I’m being asked to cough. Yup, the yearly physical exam — after 21 years, it still gets awkward.

Nevertheless, it has to be done, just to make sure that you’re in good health and everything checks out. And so I got the process rolling by calling the Health Center at the University of Guelph, I figure, why not get it done here? I’m only in Toronto during the weekends anyways, and the doctors get so busy that bookings are probably back-logged for another three good weeks, so I’ll just get it done on campus during the summer when it’s all nice and empty.

So I called, and unwisely asked for a “Check-Up” — The term didn’t bother me at the time, no, not until I called the next week to confirm my booking. This time, I used the term “Physical”, thinking they were interchangeable, that is, until I was shut-down by the receptionist taking my call.

“You didn’t book a physical, you booked for a check-up!” she said in an almost classic Hollywood movie receptionist monotone. I was so caught off guard by the sudden refusal that “ummm, okay.” was all I managed to say before I hung up the phone. I then looked towards my co-worker, and I asked out loud: “What is the difference between a Physical and a Check-Up?”

And so one of the eternal mystery of the universe has been riddled. My co-worker scratched his head, thinking with all his might without avail — what could the answer be? Even the God known as Google didn’t turn up anything, in fact, most of the website found simply said: “It’s always good to have your yearly physical check-up”. Yup, that’s right, both term in the same sentence, we were completely baffled. I asked around a few other times as I moved across the campus, and no one could tell me the answer. And before you ask, I was too afraid to call back receptionist to ask her the question, simply put, I think she probably have better things to do than answering a call questioning the definition of a physical and a check-up. I did have a theory though, a physical must have been a more through, and therefore more time consuming, whereas a check-up is simply a quick check – height and weight, but then again, do you really need a doctor to do a “quick check”?

Nevertheless, I decided to go in anyways, I figure I could ask the receptionist face to face, that will give her zero chance of hanging up on me thinking I was a prank caller. I couldn’t wait to find the answer. I entered the clinic, lathered my hand with alcohol disinfectant, and approached the desk proudly, checked-in, and went for the kill — “S’cuse me, but what is a difference between a check-up and a physical?”

The receptionist seemed to be quite taken back by my question, but regained her composure in time, suspicious, I thought. She asked if I really wanted a physical, and I replied yes. She said she normally don’t book physicals at this time, before I could say anything else, she told me to have a seat and ask the doctor for a physical anyways — “Maybe he will do one for you anyways.” Content with the answer, I went to have a seat, only to realize that the receptionist did not answer my question. I was fooled! I couldn’t believe I fell for it. Nevertheless, I decided that I was going to ask the man himself, my doctor, to see what is the difference between a check-up and a physical.

And so I was greeted by a nurse to wait in the waiting room. I picked up a random health magazine and started to read. A door opened and closed in the nearby room down the hall-way, followed by the sound of footsteps nearing my room. The door-handle moved and crackled as if someone has just opened an ancient trapdoor in the temple of doom, I could feel the awkwardness already. I was determine to find out the answer to my question, and nothing is going to stop me now. I opened my mouth and commenced to phrase my question.

“Now Tim, since you’re here for a check-up, I assume you’re actually here for an STD check?” — My doctor fired this sentence out while walking into the room as I was just about to ask my question.

You should’ve seen my face. My mouth was half way open, and half way through the word “What” in “What is the difference between a physical and a check-up?”. His sentence had to do a triple loop through my brain before I actually comprehended what he was saying. I mean, he actually had time to walk in the room, sat down, made himself comfortable and then look at me straight in the eyes before I even synthesized an answer to his question. I decided I’d just finish the word I was trying to say instead of the entire sentence: “WHAT!?!?!?!?!”.

“Because usually when boys your age comes in asking for a check-up, they usually have an agenda, they usually want to get a STD check”. My doctor said to me, still questioning my reason for being here. I had to explain to him that I unfortunately uses the term physical and check-up interchangeably, and that this was a big mix-up, and that really, what I wanted to do was a yearly physical, and not a so-called “check-up”. After he made sure, three times, that I wasn’t too embarrassed to say “STD check, please!”, he finally proceeded to do what I wanted to get done, cupped balls with coughs and all.

And so there you have it, one of the eternal questions of the universe answered. — The difference between a physical and a Check-up, is that a check-up is really another term to see if you have contracted the nasty from driving the car without using seat-belts. And it looks like I didn’t even have to ask the doctor to get it answered! The puzzle pieces finally fell in place — That’s why I wasn’t booked in a “physical” time, and that’s why the receptionist so cleverly dodged my question.

Lesson learned? You bet, from now on, I think I’ll stick with the term “Physical”, anything to save me from unnecessary awkward conversations with the doc.